Develop Emotional Intelligence

Understanding the mental state of your co-workers is a crucial skill that enables appropriate and useful emotional expressions in any situation. Through experience, everyone has learned that when engaging in face-to-face communication, social information is conveyed by emotional expressions. Emotional states are the specific emotions that a person feels at any given moment and these can be conveyed through emotional responses and expressions.

Emotional responses are physical cues that happen automatically as a result of you feeling emotions. These are usually subtle and cannot be controlled. Meanwhile, emotional expressions are how you express the emotions in general. These can be obvious or subtle and verbal or nonverbal. Emotional expression also includes a lack of expression as a result of suppressing your emotions.

Nonverbal indicators of emotion include apparent behaviours such as facial expression, eye contact and tone of voice. Other less obvious messages include posture and physical distance between people. Understanding these kinds of responses and expressions is important for social interaction because of the need to modify your own behaviour in response. The ability to effectively process emotions helps in the success of personal and workplace situations. Additionally, those who can understand responses and expressions can better develop superior social skills and form more positive relationships.

Empathy is defined as understanding and relating to another person’s feelings. Sympathy, on the other hand, is defined as feelings of pity for someone else’s misfortune. Empathy is an essential part of social awareness and it is what you should aim to achieve. It is widely regarded as a crucial attribute of leaders, as empathy in teams helps in achieving higher work satisfaction, enablement and improvement in team outcomes. Empathy involves the ability to:

• Understand another person's situation, perspective and feelings
• Communicate that understanding and check its accuracy
• Act on that understanding with the other person in a helpful and useful way

Develop your empathy by being more observant of others’ emotional responses and expressions. When communicating with your co-workers, take notice of what words they say, their tone of voice, how fast they speak, their posture, how far they are standing from you and the subtle changes in their facial expressions. Detecting their emotional expressions and choosing the appropriate way to respond can improve your empathy and strengthen your professional relationships.

A few examples of emotional responses you can look out for in others are listed in the table below:

The key skills of emotional intelligence can be learned by anyone. However, there is a difference between learning about emotional intelligence and applying that knowledge in real life. To effectively change behaviour in ways that will remain stable even under pressure, you need to learn how to overcome stress by remaining emotionally aware. You need to have experience and practise your skills every day.

There are four barriers to building emotional intelligence skills in organisations:

• Not understanding the importance of developing emotional intelligence
• Lack of desire or interest in developing emotional intelligence
• Lack of self-awareness about one's need to develop emotional intelligence
• A bias or fear because of the term 'emotional intelligence' and what they think is required to develop it

Emotional intelligence focuses on powerful and practical skills that anyone can use. To be an effective leader, you need to have a desire to listen, learn and communicate across diverse groups and varying emotional expressions. The first step is to learn how to observe and identify emotional expressions accurately.

Cultural display rules

Emotional cues can differ greatly across cultures. For example, research by Matsumoto, Yoo and Fontaine (2008) compared the facial expressions of Japanese and Americans. They found differences in expressions of emotions and how these were interpreted according to the culture.

Display rules are the cultural norms that dictate how emotion should be expressed. Cultural context acts as a basis for reading emotional cues when people are trying to communicate. People with different cultural backgrounds allocate their attention differently.

For example, East Asians focus more on the central region of a person’s face, specifically towards the eyes and the direction of the gaze. Western Caucasians, on the other hand, concentrate more on the eyebrows and mouth of the person they are speaking to.

This is illustrated in the stylised emoticons used by Asian and Western communities. Asian emoticons express emotion through the eyes, while the mouth typically stays the same. Meanwhile, Western emoticons express emotions through the mouth, while the eyes remain neutral. You can see sample emoticons in the table below:

You should take note of these differences to know what type of expressions is appropriate to respond with. Though culture changes from place to place, general knowledge of how these cultures express emotions will give you a general guideline on what to watch out for. Different cultures respond to emotions, depending on how they were conditioned to react. Australians usually have no trouble deducing people’s true feelings based on facial expressions. Meanwhile, Japanese people may be more likely to look for contextual cues such as phrases or actions to understand others’ emotions better.

If you are speaking to someone from a Western culture, since you know that they will most likely be looking at the movements of your eyebrows and mouth, you can utilise these to nonverbally support your message. And if you are talking to someone from an Asian culture, they will most likely use their eyes to communicate while the rest of their face is neutral. While speaking, you can gauge their interest and agreement to what you are saying by observing their eyes.

It is also important to note that in the broadest definition of culture, social groupings like gender and socio-economic standing are also included. People will express their emotions according to their upbringing and the norms of their community.

Culture is not static. Cultures continue to evolve, so categorising a culture as strictly ‘individualistic’ or ‘collectivistic’ provides an inaccurate picture of the culture. It may help to associate a culture with their common individualistic or collectivistic behavioural patterns, but it is best to not limit them to those. Every aspect of emotion is affected by culture. It influences how people identify emotions and decide what emotions to express. Thus, exploring emotions in different cultures is very important in developing your emotional intelligence.

Planning around different cultural backgrounds will give you a good idea of how other people may react and how you should respond to them. However, keep in mind that although a person’s cultural background impacts their emotional expression, you should also observe their individual patterns. Putting the person first before the culture will guide you into not just becoming a more understanding person, but a better leader as well.

Strategies for responding to expressions of emotion

As discussed before, you can recognise when others are experiencing certain emotions by paying close attention to them. You can pick up on both their verbal and nonverbal cues through active listening and making eye contact with them.

Some strategies to keep in mind are:

Acknowledge others’ emotional expressions

If you think you may have noticed an emotional expression, acknowledging it is the best response. Emotional cues, whether they are positive or negative, should not be ignored or brushed aside. Negative emotions, in particular, should be tended to immediately to prevent them from growing and intensifying.

Use ‘I - statements’

If the person you are talking to does not share any more information about what they are feeling, you can try to ask by using ‘I - statements.’ Use these statements to show that you notice that they are feeling something, instead of making assumptions about their emotions.

For example, you can say, “I noticed you seem down lately, is something wrong?” instead of “You’re sad today, aren’t you?” This avoids putting them on the spot and they may be more willing to share their feelings with you.

Listen carefully

If the other person’s emotion is negative, do not try to solve their problems for them if they do not ask for it. If they choose to share their problems with you, simply listen and provide them with the support that they need.

You can apply the following techniques to gain more insight into their situation and make them feel that they are being taken seriously:

• Active listening: Pay attention to them without interrupting. Avoid planning what you want to say next, as this can make you lose track of what they are saying
• Active questioning: Ask open-ended questions to get them to share more. Talking their problems out can help them work through their issues and it shows that you are concerned about them.

Use body language

Aside from observing others’ body language, do not forget that you must show body language that is appropriate for the situation, too. When you are silent, you are still communicating nonverbally. If you insist that you are fine, while your eyebrows are furrowed and you are looking away, your body is clearly signalling the opposite of what you said.

If you are unsure of what nonverbal cues to display, you can try mirroring. This means subtly copying the other person’s gestures and posture. Matching your body language with theirs can build rapport but be careful not to overuse it. Do not mimic anything that is unique to that person, such as accents or unusual gestures. You should also avoid mirroring negative body language, such as crossing your arms.

Mirroring is only effective if you do it subtly because overtly copying another person may make them feel like you are mocking them. It is best to utilise it during casual conversations or when the other person is happy or calm.

Planning how to respond to emotional expressions

Preparing an action plan before going into a conversation with someone can be helpful if you think they will feel certain emotions. For example, planning how to tell someone bad news can help you prevent them from getting overwhelmed with sadness or anger.

For planning your response to emotions, your action plan should have the following steps:

1. Identify the goal: Think of your end goal or the outcome you want from the conversation. What do you want to do and how do you want the other person to feel?
2. Identify the steps: List the steps you need to follow in order to achieve the goal.
3. Identify resources needed: Identify how much time you need to have the conversation and if you need help from other people. You can also plan to use items if you think they will be helpful, such as tissues in case someone cries.

Being a good leader requires more than just verbal skills and the ability to manage stress. You also need to be able to adapt and be flexible when dealing with others. Adaptability is the ability to change and adjust your ideas according to changes in the environment and in other people, while flexibility is the willingness to accommodate and compromise with others to meet both of your needs.

You need both of these skills to handle your own stress and the problems that arise at work. As discussed earlier, emotional stressors are an inevitable part of work, but you can view these issues as opportunities to develop your emotional intelligence. You can display your adaptability and flexibility in different workplace situations, such as asking for clarifications if there are changes to organisational policies and procedures. Or you can collaborate with others on tasks you do not usually work on in order to facilitate your creative problem-solving skills.

In general, being flexible at work requires you to do the following:

Being flexible and adaptive in the workplace also means adjusting the way you communicate based on their emotions and communication style. The four communication styles are the following (Alvernia University, 2018):

People are usually not categorised into just one communication style, but you can get a sense of how aggressive or passive they are based on the way they interact with you. Noticing the way they communicate will help you adjust the way you interact with them. If they are passive, you can pay more attention to them by questioning them actively and getting their opinions. Or if they are aggressive, you can modulate your own voice to help them act more calmly.

Other communication styles you should be mindful of are functional, personal styles (Cumbo, 2017):

When you keep these different communication styles in mind, you can easily identify what other people’s styles are and how you can interact in a more effective way with them.

Another method to handle issues with other people is through humour or playful communication. This broadens your emotional intelligence because you adapt to whatever challenges the problem throws at you and it trains you to be more flexible when coming up with solutions. For example, if you feel that a conversation with someone is about to turn into an argument, you can use humour that is appropriate.

As always, just be mindful of cultural differences in humour. Some types of humour may be accepted by people and be frowned upon by others. By judging when it is suitable to use humour and by using humour that is not offensive to the other person, you display your ability to change according to the situation. This allows you to:

• Take hardships in stride: By seeing your frustrations and disappointments from new perspectives, you can survive annoyances, difficulties and setbacks.
• Resolve conflicts: Using humour often helps you say things that are difficult to express. This helps de-escalate conflicts without destroying your relationship with the other person.
• Simultaneously relax and energise yourself: Playful communication relieves fatigue, which allows you to recharge and accomplish more.
• Think more creatively: Loosening up frees you of rigid beliefs, allowing you to adapt to problems and adjust your methods of dealing with them.

People who perceive emotions accurately better understand difficult situations. This includes where people are coming from, why they are doing what they do and how their own behaviour is holding them back. As discussed previously, you can observe how people feel about certain things by paying attention to their emotional cues.

This is helpful if you are discussing important decisions with people whose communication styles are passive or passive-aggressive. Actively questioning them on their opinions will let them voice their views more directly and let you take their perspective into consideration before making decisions that will affect them.

Dealing with difficult emotions

Including other people in decision-making can often become more complicated when the people involved show signs of emotional distress. It is difficult to deal with these expressions without getting carried away with their emotions, but it is important for you to acknowledge and consider their emotions before making the best decision.

The following are common emotional states that others may have during the discussion:

Sadness

If you notice that someone is feeling down because of the decisions being presented, you can briefly pause the discussion to ask them what they think. As always, ask them about their feelings without putting them on the spot by using ‘I - statements.’ Asking them about their opinions will let them share any reservations they have about the decision. It is important to note that talking about their feelings may lead to more overt expressions of sadness, such as crying. Crying is a natural response to disappointment, sadness or frustration towards unmet expectations, whether from oneself or from others. It can also be from pent-up stress and anxiety. Whatever the root cause is, it is always important to give the person crying some time to settle down before moving on. If it is severe, allow them the option to reschedule the discussion. It is important to do this because their emotions can affect the decision being made. Remember to not make them feel like their tears are invalid and allow them to recover so that both of you can have a more meaningful discussion.

Embarrassment

When a person realises or feels that they have been acting or thinking in a way that is harmful to themselves or to others, they can feel embarrassed. Do not try to interrupt their reaction. Instead, give them time to process their emotions. Once you sense that they can move on, ask them to explain their realisation and what they will do to rectify their behaviour.

Anger

Anger usually comes from someone hearing something they did not want to. This can result if the decision you are presenting is against their expectations or will affect them in ways they do not want to. In these cases, it is important that you keep calm and not add insult to injury. Give them a chance to vent and identify the cause of their anger. Once they have calmed down, find a way to look for the solution to the problem together. If their anger seems inconsolable, request that you schedule another meeting so that they can calm down first.

Confusion or fear

If the other person does not fully understand or fears the decision you want to implement, the best method is to listen. Ask about their confusion or fear and listen to their explanation. Do not try to dampen their emotions because it is better for you to understand what they are facing. Do not go straight to saying that you understand what they feel. When someone is afraid, they want to be understood, not patronised. Once the emotion has subsided, explore the root of their fears. What do they feel like they will lose? Is the loss real or imagined? Take reasonable steps to understand how you can help the other person and clarify the decision you are proposing.

Resistance to change

The common element of dealing with these situations is openness and reserving judgment towards someone’s reaction. Respect their emotions and remember that their reactions are natural reactions. Your conversation with them must aim to promote growth for them to improve themselves. Regardless of how intense the emotions they feel are, give them time to process their emotions before proceeding with the discussion.

Resolving conflicts

Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in personal and professional relationships, especially if an important decision is being made. Resolving conflict in healthy, constructive ways can build and strengthen trust between people. The ability to manage and resolve conflicts in a positive way is supported by the previous techniques discussed.

The following are ways you can handle conflict:

Choose your arguments

Conflicts take a lot of time and energy, especially if you want to resolve them in a positive way. Consider what is worth arguing about and what is not.

Collaborate

Communicate with the other person to agree on a solution

Compromise

You and the other person must give up elements of your positions to come up with an agreeable solution.

Forgive

To move past the conflict, you need to give up the urge to punish others for their actions or seek revenge.

End conflicts that cannot be resolved

If it seems like the conversation is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage. Be sure to communicate that you would like to continue the discussion at a later time, so the other person knows you are not ignoring them.

Stakeholders refer to any person or group who have vested interests and can be affected by the actions within an organisation. For example, customers are stakeholders that will be affected if the organisation changes the cost of their products. Meanwhile, within the organisation, employees are stakeholders that will be affected by significant management decisions.

To identify the relevant stakeholders, consider anyone who is directly involved or can be affected by your activities in the workplace. In the context of emotional intelligence, these will be whoever you interact with on a regular basis or collaborate on tasks with. The following is a guide for you to assess their level of interest or involvement in your activities (Watt, 2014):

1. Conduct a stakeholder analysis
   • Identify how your activities and methods of interacting with others at work affect the stakeholders. Consider if your activities benefit them or support them on their own activities.
2. Assess the stakeholders’ influence
   • Identify how much influence your stakeholders have over your work activities. It will help you figure out who to prioritise in your communications.
3. Identify the stakeholders’ goals and expectations
   • Figure out or ask what the stakeholders want most from you and how they want you to achieve it.

Once you have identified who has the most involvement or influence over your activities, you should prioritise asking them for feedback. You should keep all your stakeholders involved and communicate regularly with them, but the stakeholders you have identified as the most important must be prioritised.

Seek Feedback

Reach out to these key stakeholders and ask for feedback regarding your emotional intelligence. Make sure that you seek feedback by doing the following:

Ask specific questions

Instead of asking general questions, ask stakeholders about the specific ways you have acted. You can summarise past situations and ask them if they think you were able to apply emotional intelligence appropriately.

Ask open-ended questions

Ask stakeholders questions that cannot be answered by just a 'yes' or 'no.' This allows the discussion to go into further detail and give you more insight.

Ask for suggestions

Seek ways on how you can improve by asking them how they think you should act in certain situations in the future. Ask for concrete examples of how you should apply their suggestions.

Keeping an open line of communication with stakeholders keeps them updated and makes you accountable as you work on improving your emotional intelligence. When they are given regular updates, they may also be more inclined to support you with your activities.

The purpose of seeking feedback is to address issues and apply suggestions that were pointed out. See how you can integrate their recommendations into your interactions with other people and remember to follow up with them. Even if you decide not to use their suggestions, it helps to follow up with them and discuss why you ended up not using their suggestions. This shows that you value their input and are committed to improving your emotional intelligence.