Preparing for Difficult Conversations

Submitted by sylvia.wong@up… on Wed, 03/30/2022 - 18:23

One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever.

Linda Lambert

Each of us will, at some point, need to master a difficult conversation at work. You may need to raise important issues with your manager, colleague or client. Sometimes you initiate these conversations. Other times you are taken by surprise by someone raising a problematic issue.

For some people, this can be highly confronting and propels us entirely out of our comfort zone. Planning helps you think about what you want and how to say it.

By the end of this topic, you will understand:

how to identify the requirements for effectively having a difficult conversation
how to identify, gather and develop materials required for the conversation according to organisational policies and procedures
how to organise the logistics and the required people for the conversation
how to select a delivery style according to conversational context and stakeholder requirements according to legislative requirements and codes of practice.

Defining a Difficult Conversation

Defining difficult situations and people is quite complex, as 'difficult' is person and situation specific. People often think of difficult people as angry or aggressive, but that is not always the case. A perceived 'difficult' person might be someone with a different personality or work style who sees things very differently from you. Or, they may be evasive, a time waster or indecisive.

A difficult conversation is any interaction with a different opinion, point of view or perspective. It causes one or both parties anxiety and requires you to draw on your skills to deal with it.

A difficult conversation is one where there are:

high stakes
emotional reactions
different opinions

The following are examples of what can make a conversation problematic:

the topic is personal
you require the employee to do something you know they won't want to do
an emotional response may be experienced
the discussion is delivering bad or critical news
an employee is going to be retrenched
someone has made a complaint against another employee

Consider – Awareness of others

There will always be differences in what people find difficult to discuss. Do not assume that because you find something difficult to discuss that everybody else does too. Also, do not assume that just because you find something easy to debate, everybody else does too.

2 coworkers discussing a sensitive subject in an office environement

Benefits of Tackling Difficult Conversations at Work

Some of the key benefits of addressing uncomfortable situations and having effective, challenging conversations in the workplace are observed below.

Effectiveness and productivity increase when teams can address workplace issues directly and respectfully.
Transparency and trust are built, which increases engagement and productivity.
Openness and respect develop, which leads to positive and cohesive workplace culture.
Conflicts can be resolved using a communication style that builds acceptance or cooperation rather than resistance.
Client relationships are more robust, and communication is more accessible when difficult issues are handled well.
Having projects meet the delivery deadline due to team cohesion and cooperation.

Consider – A timely timeframe

Difficult conversations should happen early and often. People can wait for days or weeks before addressing these situations and issues. Waiting only makes the conversation more difficult and uncomfortable and increases emotional intensity. The sooner we do so, the more likely we will reach a suitable outcome.

The following video briefly discusses how difficult conversations are necessary for us to grow, trust, and understand each other in the workplace and beyond.

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The first step in planning difficult conversations is to identify the purpose and what that looks like in terms of an ideal outcome. Then you must consider what you will say, how you will deliver it and what solutions you will provide.

Consider the following:

What is the purpose and importance of the discussion?
what questions are you going to ask?
what solutions and actions are you going to offer?
how will you summarise the discussion?

Consider – Clarity

This is one of the primary mistakes people make with difficult conversations - they are unclear about the purpose and potential outcomes. If the goal is clearly stated and acceptable to both parties, there is a greater likelihood of a satisfactory result

Develop ground rules

At the start of the conversation, after you have stated the purpose, you should set clear ground rules for how to interact respectfully during the conversation. Depending on the situation or the parties involved, you can create guidelines together at the start of the meeting or suggest the guidelines and ask the other person to agree.

Ground rules can include:

staying focused on the agreed outcome
only one person talking at a time
when we are not talking, we are listening with 100% attention
we will focus on the problem, not the person
we will speak for ourselves, not for anyone else
we will demonstrate that we have heard contrary points of view by summarising what they have said.

Check your understanding of the content so far!

A manager consulting the company HR policies before a meeting

Ensure you check your organisation's policies and procedures for managing staff, having performance discussions and definitions of appropriate and inappropriate behaviour.

You may need to determine whether the discussion is part of a performance management process or whether you may have to start a performance management process.

Have a complete understanding of your organisation's policies about how to take appropriate notes, i.e., what information needs to be documented.

Gathering resources can include the following.

Collecting the data and evidence of the current behaviours and outcomes from these behaviours. This may include talking to people who observed the behaviour or were impacted by the behaviour. The facts, evidence and documentation of the situation and behaviours must have precise specifics and detail – general comments, vague dates etc., will lead to a poor conversation.

The organisation's policies, guidelines and support that is available.
The method of the conversation, whether it is face-to-face, video conference or over the phone. Difficult conversations, however, should be in-person whenever possible.
Considering the stakeholders impacted by the outcome who may want input to the discussion.

Consider - Legal requirements

Depending on the conversation, there could be legal requirements that you must take into consideration. This will include applicable legislation, your organisation's policies and procedures, including the Code of Conduct. Examples include:

Use of social media	Code of Conduct
Travel policy	Employee behaviour
Company values	Break and mealtime policy
Use of company property	Confidentiality
Anti-grievance handling policy	Conflict of interest
Discrimination and harassment policy	Client interaction
Discipline and termination policy	Dress code
Plagiarism	Reporting misconduct

When you are inexperienced in having difficult conversations, you should plan in detail and stick to the plan as closely as possible. Most mistakes and miscommunication in difficult conversations come from forgetting the plan and trying to 'wing it.' The more you plan, the better outcome you will achieve.

Consider – Sticking to a plan

You will need to decide on the logistics for your conversation.

Some key things that you will need to organise are listed below.

The people that will be required to attend.
The date and time – ideally close to the time of the behaviour(s).
The duration of the conversation – ensure you allow plenty of time so you don't feel rushed to finish the meeting.
The location and setting – make sure you have privacy and confidentiality. No interruptions. Plenty of time for the discussion, so you don't feel rushed.
Select a way to document the meeting, whether recorded when via video conference or taking minutes.

Consider – Privacy

Think carefully about who should attend the meeting for the difficult conversation. If it is the first conversation, it should only be between you and the person you are addressing. There may be times when other stakeholders should be present. Ideally, the most difficult conversations should be with the people directly involved.

The specific content of difficult conversations should be confidential. In some situations, others have observed inappropriate behaviour and need to be aware that a conversation is taking place. The details of the conversation should still be confidential.

Learn more about the Privacy Act.

Check your understanding of the content so far!

A manager listening intently to a colleague

You will need to determine the style you will use for the conversation based on the context, the facts, the other person's personality style, your personality style and organisational policies and legal requirements.

This can include:

A collaborative style where all parties get to share their view and work towards an agreed win-win outcome.

When the situation involves safety, quality or other specific legal requirements, you may need a more assertive and directive style as the particular process or behaviours are pre-defined.

You may need to use a style different from your natural personality or work style.

For example:

a person who likes to be spontaneous should adjust to a planned style for a difficult conversation
a quiet, accepting person may need to be more assertive
a talkative person will need to stay calm and listen more. A person who likes taking control will need to encourage others to devise solutions and actions.

Some possible delivery styles are outlined in the following table.

Collaborative	Help me to understand approach. Use for differences of opinion, difference of workstyle, personality differences or misunderstandings
Assertive	We have an outcome to achieve approach. Use for not meeting objectives or key performance indicators (KPIs), not following process, improving quality or productivity of work
Directive	There are rules we have to follow approach. Use for safety breaches, legal breaches, quality audit processes, financial audit processes, anything that puts people or the organisation at risk of harm or that has a pre-determined legal or compliance requirement

Be careful not to take over the conversation using assertive and directive styles. It is still critical that the other person gets to have their say and feels heard and valued. The assertive or directive style is best used when discussing required performance objectives or legal requirements.

Case study - Conversation with Darren Part 1

Karen has planned for the conversation with Darren. She has booked a meeting room away from the main open office area. She has allotted 1.5 hours, and she has also kept clear another hour after the meeting. Karen has sent Darren the calendar invitation with the subject: following the new process.

Karen knows that her personality style is analytical and detailed. She believes Darren's style to be friendly and helpful.

Karen has documented her observations of Darren's work on this process. She has collected the documentation that goes with the process, some of which Darren prepares.

Karen has discussed her plan with her coach and feels she is prepared for the conversation.

Karen recognises this is an uncomfortable situation, and she will need to manage her nerves before and during the conversation. She will use a breathing technique to help with this.

Karen has decided to use the collaborative approach for the discussion as it works well with both her style and Darren's personality style. She is open to ideas and suggestions about the new process and would like to find a win-win solution.