It's on the strength of observation and reflection that one finds a way. So, we must dig and delve unceasingly.
Claude Monet
The follow-up is almost as necessary as the conversation itself.
The follow-up should be as agreed and documented in the conversation. Ideally, no more or less. If you do not follow up or follow up less than agreed, you may signal that the situation and actions are not that important. It may also make you and the other person feel frustrated that milestones or outcomes are not reached.
By the end of this topic, you will understand:
- how to seek feedback from relevant personnel on the appropriate content for the conversation
- how to review the content for the conversation and make changes according to feedback received
- the importance of completing a self-evaluation of your effectiveness after undertaking difficult conversations
- how to seek and respond to feedback from relevant personnel within the organisation
- how to use the feedback to identify areas of improvement.
The following diagram shows the effective cycle of reflection and evaluation. It is an ongoing process where you will continually evaluate performance and outcomes.
When you have planned for a difficult conversation, it is important to seek feedback from others to get a different perspective and confirm that you have covered all the essential elements.
Some key people you could seek feedback from are:
- A trusted colleague
- HR management
- Your mentor, coach or senior team members
- Your manager
Read through your plans and material again and review the feedback you received.
- Does all information align, or are there conflicts or gaps?
- Decide on what information to use and what not to use.
- Have you clearly stated the purpose of the conversation?
- Have you described what outcomes you are seeking from the conversation, using the SMART acronym
- Have you decided on the approach you will take during the meeting? E.g. assertive, direct, collaborative etc
- What are your follow-up plans after the meeting?
- Do you intend to schedule a second meeting for review and closure?
Once you have conducted a difficult conversation, book an appointment with yourself to reflect on how you achieved the difficult conversation. Ideally, this should be done on the same day of the meeting, afterwards, of course.
Always start with 'what did I do well?'
Most people immediately think about what they did not do well or what they should have done. It is easy to get stuck there. What you did excellently is just as important as what you did not do well.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What did I do well? How did I come to that (i.e., what evidence do I have that it was done well?)?
- What could I have done better? How did I come to that?
- What will I do differently next time?
Check your understanding of the content so far!
Feedback from others is vital for improvement. Self-reflection only comes from your perspective and experience. Under challenging conversations, your impact on others is critical in determining whether the conversation will be effective. Feedback is the only way to truly understand what the other person has experienced and felt during the conversation.
To get feedback, ask the other person to give you feedback.
Asking for feedback is uncomfortable for most people. Asking someone for feedback after a difficult conversation is often even slightly uncomfortable. However, it is the only way to improve your ability to have effective challenging conversations.
You should show you care and are committed to the solution by following up after the conversation. Your support and interest are more important than a critical review of the other person's behaviours.
If you check in more often, even with good intentions, the other person will usually take it as breaking the agreement and showing a lack of trust or belief in them. They may describe you as micro-managing.
Consider – feedback is always worth it
Feedback is a gift. It is asking the person to invest their time and effort in you. Receive it as a gift, no matter the content.
TIPS when asking for feedback
- Be specific about what you want feedback on
- Ask for examples
- Know that most people will not be able to give you feedback immediately
- Follow-up to get more feedback.
If you ask broadly and say something like, "please feel free to give me feedback," most people will not. People struggle to remember specific situations and specific behaviours. So, focus on a particular area or behaviour when asking for feedback.
Here is an example of how you can ask for feedback:
- Could I please ask you for feedback about the conversation we had? Did you find you had the space to share your view?
- Could you please give me an example from our meeting when you felt I allowed you to speak?
You can also ask the same questions we used for self-reflection:
- What did I do well?
- What could I do better?
- What could I do differently next time?
Tips for receiving feedback:
- Stay open to what is being said
- Listen and do not interrupt
- Say thank you
- Reflect on the feedback and decide how you will change your behaviour.
You can also discuss how you conducted the difficult conversation with a coach or mentor. A good coach or mentor will help you see things differently that perhaps you were not aware of and allow you to have insights on how you can improve.
Check your understanding of the content so far!
Collect all information from your self-reflection, feedback and any other discussions.
Look to see where there are patterns or similar points about how you handled the conversation. For example, a person may receive several pieces of feedback they can interpret.
Decide the areas of improvement that will have the most impact on improving your following difficult conversation.
Decide the exact actions and steps to improve and how you will know you are improving in these areas.
Seek feedback, support and guidance on your plan and action steps to improve. It is also a good idea to ask someone to be your accountability partner.
Check your understanding!
