Reading F

Have you ever noticed how two people who observe the same event, such as a game of football, will give different descriptions of what happened? We all have individual perspectives, and the way that another person sees things may well be different from the way that you or I see things. Sometimes people who come for counselling have a very negative view of the world. They interpret events as they see them, but often viewed from a position of depression or of low self-esteem. The counsellor needs to listen very carefully to their description of the events or situation, and then try to look from the person’s viewpoint and picture what they have described. Their picture, painted from their own perspective, will have a frame that is appropriate for them because it fits with their own particular mood and viewpoint.

The Process of Reframing

Sometimes a skilful counsellor can change the way a person perceives events or situations by ‘reframing’ the picture they have described. The counsellor, metaphorically speaking, puts a new frame around the picture so that the picture looks different. The idea behind reframing is not to deny the way the person sees the world, but to present them with an expanded view of the world. Then, if they wish, the person may choose to see things in a new way.

It would be quite useless to say to someone, ‘Things are not really as bad as you think; cheer up!’, if they really see the world in a very negative way. However, it may be possible to describe what they see in such a way that they have a broader vision of what has occurred and so are able to think less negatively.

Examples of Reframing

Example 1

The person seeking help has explained that she seems to be unable to relax, because as soon as she turns her back her young son misbehaves and she has to chase after him and punish him. The counsellor has reflected back her feelings about this and now she is calmer. At this point the counsellor decides to offer her a reframe concerning the behaviour of her son.

Counsellor reframe:

I get the impression that you are really important to your son and that he wants lots of attention from you.

By making this statement, the counsellor has reframed the son’s behaviour in a positive way, so that the mother may, if she accepts the reframe, feel important and needed. Maybe she will start to believe that her son is really crying out for more attention and will see his behaviour differently; rather than his behaviour being designed to annoy her, she may see it as designed to attract her attention so that he can get more of her time. By reframing the child’s behaviour in this way, there is a possibility that the mother may feel more positive towards her son and that this change in relationship could bring about a change in behaviour.

Example 2

The person seeking help has explained that he is continually getting angry with his daughter who will not study and attend to her school work, but instead prefers to play around with what he describes as ‘yobbos’. He explains how he can hardly cope with his anger and is getting uptight and feeling very miserable.

Counsellor reframe:

It seems as though you care so much about your daughter, and you care so much about her turning out to be the sort of person that you want her to be, that you are prepared to sacrifice your own needs for a relaxed and enjoyable life, instead putting a great deal of energy into trying to correct her behaviour.

This reframe allows the father to feel positive about himself instead of feeling negative and angry. He may now be able to see himself as caring about his daughter, and also may be able to see that he is putting his daughter’s needs ahead of his own. He is reminded of his need to be relaxed and enjoy his own life. The reframe might take some of the tension out of the situation by removing the focus from the daughter and putting it onto the person himself.

Example 3

The person seeking help has separated from her husband against her will. Her husband is now pushing her away and hurting her badly by refusing to talk to her or to see her. She has shared her pain and suffering and the counsellor has reflected her feelings and allowed her to explore them fully. However, the counsellor now reframes the husband’s behaviour.

Counsellor reframe:

You’ve described the way you see your husband pushing you away and not being prepared to talk to you, and that hurts you terribly. I’m wondering whether it is possible that what he is doing is really a result of his own inadequacy. Maybe your husband can’t cope with the emotional pressure of talking to you, feels guilty when he sees you, and it’s easier for him to avoid seeing you altogether rather than to face his own emotional pain. Do you think that’s possible?

By tentatively putting up this alternative, the person may see that there could be other reasons for her husband refusing to have anything to do with her, and that it may be that he is also hurting and can’t face the experience of seeing her. The counsellor’s goal is to try to make it easier for her to accept her husband’s rejection.

Example 4

A senior executive has described to the counsellor how terrified he is of having to stand up and address a large meeting of professionals the following week, even though he wants to have the opportunity to tell them about the work he has done. The counsellor has reflected his feelings and allowed him, to some extent, to work through them. The counsellor then offers the following reframe.

Counsellor reframe:

It seems to me that you have mixed feelings about giving the talk. At times I almost get the impression that you are looking forward to it, and yet you say that you are very anxious about it. I am wondering if it would be possible for you to think of your anxiety as blocked excitement. Sometimes anxiety takes over when a person stops themselves from being excited. If they can let go and allow themselves to be enthusiastic and excited, then the anxiety reduces or even disappears as it is replaced by excitement.

The counsellor here is using a useful reframe from Gestalt Therapy by reframing ‘anxiety’ as ‘blocked excitement’. Very often, holding our emotional selves in and putting restraints on ourselves prevents us from enjoying the exciting parts of our lives as we negatively reframe exciting events as anxious moments. A good example of this is the way a bride may prepare for her wedding. One way of thinking about going through the wedding ceremony and the reception is to say, ‘Wow, that’s a really anxiety-producing situation’. Another way of looking at it, a reframe, is to say, ‘Wow, this is going to be a really exciting day and it’s going to be fun’.

Example 5

The person seeking help explains how he is frequently being hurt by the boss, who ignores him. The boss doesn’t even look at him and she doesn’t say ‘Hello’ when she meets him in the morning. She walks straight past him.

Counsellor reframe:

You’ve explained to me how your boss walks straight past you without noticing you, and I’m wondering if there is an alternative explanation for what’s happening. Sure, it may be that she really does intend to snub you. On the other hand, is it possible that she gets terribly preoccupied and really isn’t on this planet half the time?

In this reframe, the counsellor is presenting an alternative that may be partly true. It’s quite likely that the boss is sometimes preoccupied, and that may be a partial explanation. By putting this possible explanation up as an alternative, some of the sting is taken out of the boss ignoring the person, and he may then feel less uptight in his relationship with her.

Example 6

The person seeking help explained to the counsellor his feelings of inadequacy and failure. He knew that he was intellectually bright and that made him feel worse because he never completed any project he started. He would start enthusiastically and soon lose interest. He was deeply depressed by a long string of past ‘failures’ – things that he had started and then left half finished.

Counsellor reframe:

You seem to be a very intelligent person who is quite capable of completing any of the projects you have started. My guess is that you are excited by new projects because they present a challenge, and that you lose interest only when you believe that the challenge is easy for you to meet. Because you are highly intelligent you very quickly get bored and look for new stimulation.

This reframe enables the person to feel good about himself instead of perceiving himself as a failure. He is then left with the possibility that he can decide to do the boring thing and complete a project if he wishes, or can choose to continue looking for excitement and stimulation without feeling so guilty.

As you can see, reframing needs to be done carefully, sensitively and tentatively. If it is done in this way, it is more likely to be accepted by the person seeking help. Sometimes though, the person may not think that the reframe fits. However, by being offered an alternative way of viewing things they may be able to broaden their perspective, with a resulting reduction in their distressing feelings.